


Panic

by SenpaiMarshmallow



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: 3+1+another bit, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But mostly angst, Fluff and Angst, Itona is scared of most things, M/M, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Terasaka POV, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, but not Terasaka, inuyasha references, lots of feels, until he is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:55:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15819300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SenpaiMarshmallow/pseuds/SenpaiMarshmallow
Summary: I know what I have to do. But I don't want to. I don't want to do this to him.orThe three times Terasaka talked Itona down from a panic attack, and the one time he caused one.





	1. The First Time

**Author's Note:**

> My first multichap! (Well, not counting Suma, but no-one reads that. Who cares, huh?)
> 
>  
> 
> Emperor_Quarter, Livitup, I swear I am not trying to copy you! I had this idea before I read your stuff! Although I will admit that Livitup inspired me to switch it to first-person Terasaka.

The first time, we’re in a mall. We’ve got a few hours to kill before the movie starts, so we figured we’d just hang around, buy doughnuts, enjoy each other’s company. Just be normal.  
We don’t often get that chance, Itona and I.  
We wander past a bridal boutique, wide window full of white lace and flowing gowns. I turn to Itona, ready to make some stupid comment, and he isn’t there.  
I stare around, frantic, scanning the room for my boyfriend. There he is, across the wide corridor, his back pressed up against the wall. He’s got his arms up, shielding his face, and he’s gasping for air. I cross the hall at a run.  
“Itona?” I say. I’m trying to sound calm, but inside I’m terrified. He’s in the middle of a panic attack, a full-blown breakdown, and I don’t know how to help. “Itona, please, listen to me. Please, I -”  
A woman cuts me off. Middle-aged, dressed in a white woolly jacket. She shoves in between me and Itona. “Aw, dove, what’s wrong?” she murmurs, laying a hand on his shoulder.  
He cries out and drops to his knees, shaking in fear. The woman backs away. I crouch down beside him.  
“Please, Itona,” I say again. “Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me how to fix this.” Slowly, gently, I reach out a hand towards him.  
Just as slowly, he reaches back. His fingers graze my palm. He looks up, his face pale and tear-streaked.  
“Terasaka?”

It was the wedding dress, he tells me later, gasping out the words as he sobs and shakes in my arms. It was the bright lighting, the long fall of white fabric, the imposing height of the mannequin. All of that spelled Shiro to him.  
I hold him close and kiss away his tears, wishing I was smarter so I’d know what to say. And maybe that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, Terasaka is hard to write. But I will battle on!


	2. The Second Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here they come - fluff, angst, marshmallows and Inu-Yasha references!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this one was . . . interesting. I killed my OWN heart.

The second time, we’re both over at my place. We’re curled up together on the couch, wrapped in blankets, the only light coming from the flickering TV screen. Technically we’re watching a movie, but when Itona’s snuggled up almost on my lap and his hair is tickling my chin, it’s kind of hard to concentrate on Inu-Yasha.  
I cough. I’ve had a cold for the last few days. Itona looks up.  
“I don’t need your germs, Terasaka,” he says, grinning.  
“Sorry to hear that,” I reply. “I could always sit further away . . .” I let my voice trail off, teasing.  
Itona curls even closer, if that’s possible. He’s definitely sitting on my lap now, and his cheeks are flushed with pink. “No,” he says, his voice slightly muffled. “You can stay right there.”  
We sit in silence for a while, watching the TV. The onscreen heroes are fighting yet another monster - this time a creepy little guy who pops out of the ground when least expected. I nudge Itona.  
“Hey, that’s you.”  
He pokes me back. “Then you’re that one,” he says, pointing to the other half of the monster duo - big and tough and not very bright.  
“Hey!” I protest. “You’re mean.”  
“And you’re dumb.”  
I huff theatrically. “Just for that, I’m not kissing you.”  
“Damn. What if I take it back?”  
“Hmm . . .” I lean down and kiss him. “Okay.”  
He sighs in pleasure. “You know, you’re making it really hard for me to be mean to you.”  
I stand up. Itona slides off my lap and on to the floor with a small squeak of protest.  
“What was that for?”  
I reach down to ruffle his hair. “Poor baby. I’m going to make hot chocolate. Want some?”  
“Mm, yes please,” he says.  
I go into the kitchen.

You do not pass Home Ec. with full marks without learning how to make the perfect hot chocolate. The secret ingredient? Ice cream - melted, obviously. Oh, and a hint of cinnamon.  
I drop a marshmallow into my cup, and hesitate over Itona’s. Does he like marshmallows?  
I go to call out, but a coughing fit hits me. When I finally manage to talk, my voice is completely different.  
“Itona! Do you -”  
A sound from the next room cuts me off, something halfway between a cry and a gasp. I drop the marshmallow and run.  
By the time I reach him, Itona’s kneeling on the carpet, bent-headed and shivering. I crouch down in front of him and he flinches away. There are tears running down his face, but he doesn’t make a sound. He never does when he cries - his tears are always silent. Just another thing he learned under Shiro.  
I go to touch him, but he scrabbles away with a short cry of terror. I raise my hands in what I hope is a non-threatening way and shuffle back a little. My heart hurts. I hate seeing him this scared. I wish I could just hold him.  
But I can’t. Not without hurting him more.  
I take a deep breath. “Ssh, Itona, it’s okay, I’m here, you’re safe, I’m right here, Itona, it’s okay, I won’t let anyone hurt you, you’re safe here, come back to me, ‘kay? You’re alright, you’re safe, nothing’s gonna happen, Itona, I won’t let it, it’s okay, you’re safe here with me, you’ll be all right, no-one’s gonna hurt you, it’s okay, you’re okay, I’m here, come back, you know I love you, right, Itona? You’re safe, I’m right here with you, it’s okay, I won’t let anything happen to you, never . . .”  
I keep speaking, my voice barely above a whisper, and slowly, so slowly, Itona’s body starts to relax. He takes a few breaths, sits up, and dries his eyes with the back of his hand.  
“Sorry,” he says.  
“Don’t be.” I pull him into a hug, and he clings to me like he’s drowning. “What - what was it?”  
He shakes his head. “When you . . . when you called me, your voice . . . that’s how Shiro sounded when . . . when he was angry.” He drops his voice, adds a slight rasp. “Itona! Do you need to be taught another lesson?” His breath hitches. “And then he’d . . .” He trails off.  
I pull him even closer. Itona’s told me about Shiro’s punishments before, shown me his scars. No-one should ever have that done to them.  
Itona buries his face in my chest. I hold him tightly, feeling his shoulders shake with silent sobs.  
If I ever see Shiro again, I’m going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like marshmallows. ;P


	3. The Third Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flu shots maybe weren't the best idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what colour Koro goes when he's worried. I know blue isn't right, but . . . meh.
> 
> Also, my "o" key is broken. I may be missing o's here and there.

The third time is the worst. It’s the day we’re supposed to get our vaccination shots, and we’re lined up in alphabetical order outside Korosensei’s office, which has been taken over for the occasion. Ms Vitch stalks up and down the line, trying and failing to keep order.  
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I have Yoshida to annoy. Sure, we have to get shots, but it could be much worse.  
And then Korosensei appears in front of me.  
“Terasaka,” he says, his face the bright blue of worry. “You have to come.” He turns and hurries off, fast enough that I have to half-run to keep up.  
“What’s happening?” I ask. “Is something up?”  
Korosensei turns to look at me. “It’s Itona.”  
My heart freezes.  
“He’s having some kind of panic attack. You two are dating, right? Maybe you can help.”  
I swear, loudly. Oh, God, the flu shots. They’re needles. Of course this would be a trigger. How did I not see this coming?  
Korosensei pushes open the door at the back of the building, and I shove past him and race inside. A couple of chairs lie tipped over on the floor, and a white-coated woman stands in the middle of the room, a panicky expression on her face. There’s a smiley-face sticker on her lapel and a syringe in her hand.  
Itona is curled in the corner, partly shielded behind an overturned table, both hands clawing at his head. There’s blood in his silver hair and he’s moaning, long and low, like a wounded animal. The sound breaks my heart. I’ve never seen him this scared.  
I turn to the woman. “God, get rid of that thing!” Her eyes widen in confusion, and I snatch the needle from her hand, toss it on the floor, and stamp on it. It shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, and I turn back to Itona.  
I sit down next to him, keeping a little distance between us. “Hey, shrimp.”  
No response.  
“How do I fix this?” This is our test. If he’s still here enough, he’ll answer me.  
But again, there’s no answer but moaning.  
I start talking, the soft reassurances I use when Itona’s so far over the edge nothing else will help. They always bring him back eventually.  
But this time, they don’t.  
I talk until my voice is hoarse, and it makes no difference. Itona’s moans have turned to soft, broken whimpers. Sometimes he’ll gasp out a few words.  
“Please, don’t . . . I can’t . . .”  
I dig my nails into my palms, angry at myself. I’ve never felt so helpless. I should know what to do.  
And something comes back to me.  
Once, Muramatsu bet me a bowl of ramen that I couldn’t finish a book, so I stole one from Hazama. It took me a month, but I won the bet, and the ramen. Now I remember one scene - a girl brought her sister out of a breakdown by singing to her. I’m not much of a singer . . . but surely it’s worth a try.  
I close my eyes and begin, a lullaby from an old movie. Partway through the second verse, Itona stops whimpering, the sound replaced by gasping sobs. I keep singing.  
“. . . little wandering angel, fold up your wings for tonight . . .”  
The song finishes, and I start on another, one my father used to love.  
“. . . ‘cause you were amazing, and we did amazing things . . .”  
I’m crying too, now. I begin another song.  
“. . . don’t say goodbye, don’t say I didn’t try . . .”  
There’s a warm pressure against my arm. Itona is leaning against me, close enough that I can feel him shaking. It’s working. I slip an arm around his shoulders, and he doesn’t flinch away.  
“. . . fallen angel, close your eyes, I won’t let you fall tonight . . .”  
I pull him closer, gently, and feel his hands fist in my shirt.  
“. . . stick to your guns, you are worth fighting for . . .”  
Tears, his and mine, soak my collar.  
“. . . so stay forever young, before paradise lost and innocence gone . . .”  
I pull him close against my chest and stroke one hand across his shoulderblades, feeling the ridges of old scars beneath his shirt.  
“. . . because maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me . . .”  
Itona sighs, and I feel the last of the tension leave his body.  
“. . . did you think I would leave you crying?”  
Finally, finally, I open my eyes and look down at my boyfriend. His face is tearstained, eyes reddened, blood in his hair and under his fingernails, but he’s here. I kiss his forehead.  
My throat hurts. I didn’t notice that before. My voice cracks when I speak.  
“Good to have you back, shrimp.”  
He smiles, and it’s teary and broken and beautiful.  
“Good to be back, gorilla.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book mentioned is 'Darkfall', by Janice Hardy. The songs are, in order:  
> La La Lu, from Lady and the Tramp, I've never seen it and don't know how I know it  
> Amazing, by Alex Lloyd  
> Gollum's Song, from The Two Towers  
> Fallen Angel, by Three Days' Grace (my favourite song EVER)  
> Battle Scars, by Paradise Fears  
> Forever Young, by Madness (this one is great, go listen)  
> Wonderwall, by Oasis  
> and Two Little Boys, written by Edward Madden. I thought of this and Teraito and nearly died.
> 
> So which ones of these do you guys know? I'm curious!


	4. I Have To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itona reverts. Terasaka has to stop him in the only way he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this one was hard. No fluff here, sorry.

Itona’s reverted.  
It’s all back, everything he escaped, the tentacles, the bloodlust, the pain. I hate seeing him like this: blank-eyed, bloody. He collapsed the classroom on himself first thing. Told us - no, begged us to get out, and brought it down the minute we were through the door.  
He told me once he’d rather kill himself than go through that again. Maybe that’s what he was trying to do. Take himself out before he hurt anybody.  
Oh, Itona.  
Korosensei’s away. We don’t know what he’s doing. He could have helped, maybe. But he isn’t here. Mr Karasuma’s been in charge of the class. He tried to stop Itona, talk him down. He’s still unconscious. I tried too. I think I’ve broken a rib. Itona’s hunting us now, all of us, through the woods behind the classroom.  
God, he’s my boyfriend. I should know how to help him. He needs me now.  
And I know what I have to do. I just don’t want to. I don’t want to do this to him.  
The tentacles have taken over his mind. I need to break through that, distract him, pull him away from that power. And there’s only one thing strong enough to do that.  
This is the only way.  
I have to drive Itona into a breakdown.

I poke my head over the edge of the rock I’m hidden behind. There’s no-one in sight. I turn and run as quietly as I can towards the classroom.  
Itona really did a number on the building. Smashed desks poke out of the wreckage, and there’s broken glass everywhere. I hurry to where the windows used to be - just splintered frames and glass shards now.  
And there, in among the ruin, a flash of white.  
I pull the tattered curtain from the pile and wrap it around my body, hating myself the whole time. I pull a corner over my face and head, leaving only a slit to see through, and catch sight of my reflection in a shard of glass.  
I look like Shiro.  
I pick up the skirts of my curtain-robe and shove open the door of Koro-sensei’s office. It’s mostly undamaged. I find what I’m looking for in a corner, under a pile of papers.  
When Itona had his breakdown, the vaccination people freaked out and left. Koro-sensei had to do the rest of the shots. There were a few needles left afterwards, and he hung onto them. Don’t know why.  
But I need one now.  
I dig one out of the box. It’s still full of the clear bluish flu vaccine, and that makes me feel worse than ever. That’s exactly how Itona described his adaption injections.  
Dressed in a curtain, holding a syringe, and feeling like a traitor, I head back into the woods.

It doesn’t take long to find Itona. It’s too easy. It should be hard, like everything else I’m doing. But I only have to follow the sound of shouts and crashing branches.  
As I get closer, Muramatsu and Hazama barrel towards me. Muramatsu looks confused when he sees my get-up, but Hazama catches on fast. She’s smart.  
“Think it’ll work?” she asks.  
“Don’t know,” I say. That’s about all I can manage right now.  
She sighs. “It won’t be easy.”  
“You think I don’t know that?” I snap. My voice cracks.  
“Sorry.”  
“We’ve got your back,” offers Muramatsu.  
“Thanks,” i say. “But no.” This has to be me.  
They nod, turn, and run on.  
I round a stand of trees, their branches freshly broken, and there’s Itona. He’s half-crouched in the middle of a small clearing, breathing hard, covered in blood. His tentacles are out, black and ridged with veins, ripping at the ground around him. There’s a ragged shard of wood embedded in his left arm, but he doesn’t seem to have noticed. He’s obviously in pain, but I have to hurt him more to help him. God, I hate this.  
He hasn’t seen me yet.  
I dig my nails into my palms and step out into the clearing, twisting my voice to sound like Shiro’s. I’ve always been a good mimic.  
“Itona!” I snap.  
He freezes in place, the tentacles retracting, coiling back into his hair. All the anger has gone from his face, leaving pain and fear. Itona’s scared. Of me. I feel tears start in my eyes.  
I force myself to keep going, walking forward towards him. He stays frozen, his whole body tensed like he’s waiting for a blow. That’s exactly what he’s expecting, I realise, and it nearly breaks me.  
But I keep on.  
“Itona! Do you need to be taught another lesson?”  
He drops to his knees, fast. Like he’s been trained to do it. He probably has. His head is down, and I can’t see his face.  
Have I gone far enough? Have I gone too far? God, I can’t do this anymore.  
I cross the clearing in a rush and kneel beside him. I’m whispering words, “I’m sorry,” over and over again. Itona looks up at me, face twisted with terror . . . and something else.  
Somehow, I know what’s coming. So when the tentacles snap back out, when Itona looses a low animal growl and lunges for me, the needle is already in my hand. I press the sharp point against his neck, against the tiny patch of scarring half-hidden under his hair. Skin breaks. Itona cries out in shock, in fear, in pain.  
His whole body stiffens. His eyes close. He collapses against me.  
I hurl the needle into the bushes, rip off the curtain. I’m never wearing white again. I wrap my arms around Itona’s still body, feeling ribs jutting through his skin. He’s even thinner than usual. Shiro wasn’t lying about how much energy those tentacles take.  
There’s a soft thud behind me, a soft touch on my shoulder, a flash of yellow tentacle. Koro-sensei is standing beside me. He doesn’t say anything, but I think he knows.  
Itona’s eyes flicker open. He gasps, flinches away, and wrenches himself out of my arms. His back hits a tree and he stays there, shaking, eyes wide.  
I try to speak, but I can’t. My chest hurts, and not just from my broken rib.  
What have I done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise fluff for the last chapter, I swear. Cross my heart (which I just broke writing this)!


	5. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It might take a while, but they'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the promised fluff! Enjoy!
> 
> Again, I have no idea what colour Koro goes when he's happy. The manga is black-and-white!

Itona’s been avoiding me, and I can’t blame him. What I did to him . . . no wonder he can’t trust me anymore.  
It hurts, though.  
I can’t concentrate on algebra. The bandages around my cracked rib are uncomfortable and itchy, and my brain won’t stop spinning. I tap my knuckles against the desk, scraping over the rough patch where I carved T+I into the wood. Sappy, yeah, but Itona and I laughed about it, and later we wrote it on each other’s skin with fine-point markers. All different colours.  
Usually that memory would make me smile, but I can’t stop thinking that all that’s gone now, and it’s all my fault.  
Footsteps behind me, light and quiet, and then Itona’s voice. “Sensei, may Terasaka and I be excused?”  
I look up. Itona is standing beside me, eyes down, face even paler than normal.  
Koro-sensei’s round head flushes pink with happiness. “Finally! Of course. Talk it out and come back in when you’re done.”  
I stand and follow Itona out the door. As I slide it shut behind us, I hear our teacher’s parting words.  
“I thought they’d never get around to it!”  
When we get outside, I sit down against the classroom wall, under the window. “They can’t see us here,” I say.  
Itona hesitates, but sits down a couple of feet away, hugging his knees to his chest. He’s keeping his distance, and I can’t blame him.  
Itona says nothing for a few moments. Then, not looking at me, he half-whispers, “Thank you.”  
“What?” I burst out, startled. Anger, blame I could expect, but thanks? After what I did to him?  
“You brought me down,” says Itona in that same quiet tone. “You stopped me from hurting anyone else. I’m glad you did that.”  
“But . . . I . . .” I manage. “I hurt you!”  
He holds up a hand to stop me. “I know.” He looks away, and the cuts and bruises on his face come into sharp relief. “But you did what you had to do. I shouldn’t blame you.” He seems to be talking more to himself than me.  
A pause.  
Then a broken whisper. “It’s still hard.” His fingers worry at the edges of his wristbands. “I know I’m being stupid, I know you’re not Shiro, I wish we could go back to the way we were before and I’m trying, Terasaka, I swear I’m trying, but . . .”  
I dig my fingers into the grass. I want to hug him. I can’t. “I still scare you.”  
He nods. “Y-yeah. I’m having nightmares again. Nearly every night. You strap me to a table and put a needle in my neck and I don’t fight because I . . . I love you. And it hurts, so I ask you to stop, and you just laugh. And then the tentacles come and I . . .” He shivers, despite the bright sunshine. “I kill you.”  
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m so sorry.” It’s not much, but at least I can say it. “If there had been any other way to bring you back, I would have done it. I promise. Anything. I would have done anything rather than put you through that.”  
No answer.  
“And I hated doing it. But you were hurting yourself. And I didn’t want you to do that.”  
Nothing.  
“I hate seeing you hurt, Itona.”  
There’s a soft pressure on my fingers. Itona’s hand has reached out to cover mine, not holding, just resting there lightly, like it could be snatched away at any moment.  
I look over at him to find him looking back with equal parts fear and hope. “Itona, can . . .” I begin. “Do you think you can trust me again?”  
He smiles, hesitantly. “I . . . yes. I think so. It . . . it might take a while, but . . . I can.”  
“That’s okay,” I say, and I mean it. I don’t care how long it takes. “Thanks.”  
We sit in silence for a while, holding hands. Itona looks so fragile sitting there, cut and bruised, pressure bandages wrapped around the two ribs he broke dropping the classroom on himself. I want to protect him. From Shiro, from himself, from everything.  
“Itona, can I . . . can I hug you?”  
A gasp. Itona’s hand stiffens in mine. Oh, God, I’ve ruined everything. Stupid, stupid . . .  
A tiny word, barely more than a whisper. “Please?”  
Slowly, gently, I put my arms around my boyfriend. Itona curls himself against my chest, and I feel the outline of his bandages pressing against mine. His hair tickles my cheek. I try not to look at the little pin-prick on his neck.  
We stay that way for a long time. It’s only when his tears soak through my collar that I realise Itona’s crying.  
“You okay, shrimp?”  
Itona looks up, his face streaked with tears, but smiling. “Yeah,” he says. He sounds kind of surprised. “I’m . . . I’m okay. I’m okay now.”  
He stands, wipes his eyes, and hand in hand we go back into the classroom. Not even Karma throws a taunt. A couple of people smile, the octopus the widest of all.  
“All sorted out in paradise, then?” he says.  
Itona and I don’t say anything, but we look at each other, and we smile.  
Yeah. We’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was the last chapter. I hope you liked it!
> 
> Thanks so much for sticking with me all the way through, guys. You're fabulous!
> 
> Here, this cat face is a present for you. (=^-^=)


End file.
